Yep let that sink in...

I'm more shocked then you...

What do?

Shit went down like this...

Medical advisor person: I'm afraid you have to be at least thirty for any kind of sterilization treatment
Me: Why?
Medical advisor person: Well in case you decide you would like to have children in the future
Me: I really won't
Medical advisor person: You may change your mind in a few years
Me: Well then I'll cum in a plastic jar and have it frozen in one of those sperm clinics
Medical advisor person: (Silence)

Yeah that's what I did today.

i mean who fucking shot jr!?!?

I joined May 2003. Yada yada yada.....

And to think I was once just an unfertilized egg.

Awhile back I was on holiday in Majorca in the Mediterranean with a bunch of my friends. One very hot and sunny afternoon we decided that instead of just sitting around the pool getting drunk, we should go the nearby beach and go tombstoning. "Tombstoning" for those who don't know is jumping off a small cliff into the ocean where you make your body as straight and vertical as possible in the air so that you don't hurt yourself when you land. I had never done this before and was a bit nervous but I was up for it anyway.

We arrive at the cliff which was about 40ft and 50ft. There was nothing but water at the bottom so there was no risk of hitting a jagged rock, plus there were already a dozen other people there jumping off so it seemed safe enough as long as you didn't mess up your landing. We hung around for a short while before we started jumping off. Two of my friends jumped before me, emerging from the water laughing and screaming "that was awesome!". I built up some inner-confidence and went towards the ledge.

I saw my two friends swimming back to the beach so the area was clear. I stand right at the edge about to jump when part of the rock I was stood on suddenly crumbles and I slip horrifically off the cliff. I fall about 40ft and land on my side. When I floated to the top of the water I realized then that I could not move my left arm or left leg. I frantically tried to keep my head above water but I was really struggling. Nobody at the top of the rock had noticed me struggling, in fact they never noticed me jump so they had no idea I was down there.

I struggled and panicked like I have never done before. I thought I was going to die. But then out of nowhere a strong but feminine arm pulled my head above the water and threw my arm over her shoulder and started swimming back to shore. When I realized what was happening I noticed it was the life guard on the beach that had noticed me and was rescuing me. In a strange moment I couldn't help notice her beauty, she had smooth tan skin and magnificent hazel hair that shined in the sunlight.

Once we were on shore she signalled to the other lifeguard to call an ambulance as I may have broken my arm and/or leg. Once I quit coughing sea water I looked into her pale, green eyes. It all dawned on me what had just happened. I said to her whilst getting my breathe back, "You...you just saved my life!". She smiled and said in a soft, spanish accent "It's my job". I was still in shock and a bit light headed. I said to her, "Is there anything I can do to repay you?". She looked at me silently for a moment then said "well there is something you could do for me". Surprised by her answer I enquired "what is it?". She gazed directly into my eyes and in a completely different voice she answered "I need about tree diddy!"

Well it was about this time I noticed that this beautiful, spanish lifeguard was about 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.

That goddamn Loch Ness Monster had tricked me again!

EDIT - This has got to fucking stop

[U2]eELH0ivexKA[/U2]

Just gonna sit around and scratch myself for a bit.

Be ye a brother of the dark or a pansy of the light?

I kissed her and she kissed me,
Like the fella once said,
Ain't that a kick in the heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead?

IIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLLLLLLLLLL EATTTTTTTTTTT YOUUUUUUUUUURRR SOOOOOOOOOOOOUUULLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!



COME. TO. DADDY. COME TO DADDY!
COME. TO. DADDY. COME TO DADDY!
COME. TO. DADDY. COME TO DADDY!
COME. TO. DADDY. COME TO DADDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

QUIT STARING AT ME YOU FREAKS!!

Sorry about that everyone

And that's terrible.

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!

You are full of shit,
You are a no-good rotten bum,
You are a good-for-nothing scalawag,
You bring me damaging disharmony in my life by cussing at me for no reason at all,

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!

You are full of dog shit,
You are a stupid mother fucker,
You are a low down schmuck,
So suck a camel's ass, you mother fucker!

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!
Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill Whitey!

Twice. Cost me Ã,£80.

Somebody tell School Clock to stick a jagged rock down his dick hole.

Today is a good day!

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