New poem

[yinyangclock]

/

[Lump Clock]

Mm, this is great. You have a good way of alluding to what is going on without saying it out right. If what is going on here is based on reality then I hope things turn around for her.

If not, it's good correlation and can easily be transfered to music assuming you have the right sound.

I think you should turn the second stanza into the Chorus, add another Verse, and after the third verse write a variation of the Chorus so that your lyrics look like this:

Verse 1

Chorus

Verse 2

Chorus

Verse 3

Chorus Variant

-But that's just my personal flavor.