The Guitar God Bible?

[catclock]

So while I was banned right I was digging around in the dirt when I found ANCIENT TRANSCRIPTS of the actual bible lucky for you I translated them all from ancient dirt and made it able for it to be read.

The Story of Creation

In the beginning when Steve Vai created the world it was tuneless and lame. Steve Vai was chillin under the sea. Then Vai shredded some killer riffage and Erotic Nightmares appeared, also light did too. Vai thought it was pretty fuckin' cool. Then he seperated the cool from the lame, and he named the cool "Rock" and the lame "Techno". Evening passed and morning came- that was the first day.

Then Vai plucked the E string and the resulting vibrations created a dome that seperated water he named this dome "Weiner". Evening passed and morning came- that was the second day.

Then Vai realized that floating over water was kind of lame and he had no where to stand and shred so thus he plucked the B string and the water below and sky came toegther in one place creating "Earth" and the water that had come together he named "Boston Rain Melody" after his latest hit single. And Vai was pleased with what he saw. Then Vai was kinda hungry so he shredded some ph@t licks and thus a McDonalds imerged and Vai was pleased with what he saw. Evening passed and morning came- that was the third day.

Then Vai thought that the black night was too dark and desolate so he took off his led lights that he wore when performing "Bad Horsie" live in Astoria and plunged them into the sky thus allowing time to show and when years and religious festivals qwill begin. They will shine in the sky to give lights to the earth. And it was done. But then Vai realized that his other hit single "Salamanders in the Sun" had no meaning if there was not the two larger lights the sun and the moon to rule over the day and over the night. And Vai was pleased with what he saw. Evening passed and morning came- that was the fourth day.

Then Vai thought that just playing to himself was kind of self absorbant so thus he shredded an E Phyrigian Mode with a raised fourth scale and thus the water was filled with many kinds of living beings and the air was filled with so many annoying fucking seagulls that piss you off when you're at the beach. And Vai was pleased with what he saw because the Audience was Listening. Then Vai thought animal sex was really funny and he needed a new TV show to watch so he told them all to totally do it and make lots of babies. Evening passed and morning came- that was the fifth day.

Then Vai decided that having a variety menu at McDonalds was the way to go so he lifted his Floyd Rose whammy and out came all the creatures, large and small, domestic and wild and it was done. So Vai made them all and he was pleased with what he saw. Then Vai realized that none of the animals could tell him how fucking badass he is so he made man. Vai was sort of into S&M so he told them they that had power over fish, the birds, domestic and wild large and small. So Vai created human beings, making them to be like himself. He created them, male and female blessed them and said You guys have tons of babies so that all of them can listen my music and buy my best selling CD's available now at HMV check it out I've provided you with everything you need to live including a harthy McDonalds before they start sucking in the future- and it was done. Vai looked at everything he had made, and he was very pleased. Evening passed and morning came - that was the sixth day.

And so the whole universe was completed. By the seventh song he wrote a ballad and seperated this song from all the others and thus released an album called "The 7th Song" which was basically compliation of all the other album's 7th songs and thus a way to make you waste more money. Also he wrote tons of music on this day. And that is how the universe was created.

Melissa's Garden

Vai had created plant life that covered but there was no one to take care of it because  he's a lazy prick. And so Vai decided that he would just chuck one of his cheap starter pack stratocastors on the ground and nostrils were made from the tuning pegs and he became badly out of tune everytime you use his whammy bar but otherwise it was an ok person you know. Vai picked up the dude and threw him to Melissa's Garden because he had no where else to put him. And Vai made trees that look fucking sick and the fuckers grew FOOD on them how cool is that? And so thus Vai made the tree of soloing knowledge. Vai threw the guy into Melissa's Garden so it wouldn't die because having plants and having no one to take care of it is a fucking I'm a edgy teen idea. And so Vai told the guy you can play any instrument you want but nothing from the tree of soloing or I'll kick your ass. Vai then decided that having just one naked dude is kind of gay and so he made a hot babe, they were both naked and totally cool with it.

Kill the Guy with the Ball

There was a serpent and he was a huge prick because no one liked him. He went to the hot chick and said "Did Vai really say you can't play anything from that tree?" The really hot chick said to the serpent "No because he said that he'll beat the shit out of us if we do" The serpent says to the hot chick "Vai is a big pussy he knows that if you play anything from that tree you could easily overtake Vai's solo career" and she saw that the music on tree sounded pretty fucking cool and so she decided to play some on her girltar. And then she taught her husband how to play some of those mad riffs on his guytar but then he slapped her in the face because she was being a dumb bitch and read all the sheet music wrong because woman can't play any instrument other then vocals and even then they totally suck. Then their eyes were opened and they wrapped guitar strings around themselves because they realized that being naked was pretty fuckin weird. And they heard Vai shredding towards them and they hid. Then Vai said "Where the fuck are you guys are you playing hide and seek or something because that game is really fucking gay I don't even know why I created it" and then the guy said "Dude I didn't want you to see my dick so I'm hiding in the bushes dumbass" and he said "Who told you that you were naked? Did you play anything from the tree I told you not to?" and the guy said "The chick you gave to me tried to teach me to play those songs but she was a dumb bitch so I had to teach her" and then Vai turned to the hot chick and said "What the fuck you stupid cunt" the hot chick said "The serpent said it would make me an awful shredder but I just turned into Avril Lavgine ;w;" and so Vai turned to the serpent and said "You are a prick I'm going to tear off your legs because of this" and then he turned to the hot chick and said "Now it's gonna hurt like hell everytime you give birth and you're going to have to be your husband's bitch" and then to the guy he said "because you listen to your dumb bitch of a wife you're going to die" and so Vai called down from the heavens his eternal guitar the "Jem7777V" and began to shred a solo that the likes of have never been seen before. It was too much for the guy to handle and he and his hot chick were blasted out of the Garden by a massive tritone chord (F C). And that is the end of the fall of man.

REAL OR FALSE I'LL LET YOU DECIDE

[EnvelopeClock]

true true it's all true

[Steve]

CatClock you never cease to amaze and bore me at the same time.

[The Spoiler]

This cannot be true. Seagulls do not annoy me.

And I've got to agree here, the story was very good, but I got bored about halfway through.
I liked the ending though.

[Kodiakclock]

steve vai is the jesus to frank zappas god

[AstronautClock]

stopped reading when you called techno lame

:C

[catclock]

stopped reading when you called techno lame

:C

I'm sorry you're such a FAGGOT let Steve Vai take you into his arms and bring you to the light

YOU HOMO

[LuxenbergClock]

catclock

[Pissed-on Clock]

Moby makes techno and the only thing that goes after Moby is DICK and that's what techno fans suck.

[poringclock]

FUCK YOU CAT WHY DON'T YOU GO SUCK A DICK

[catclock]

FUCK YOU CAT WHY DON'T YOU GO SUCK A DICK

BABYSHI

[Quickstop]

steve vai is the jesus to frank zappas god

Hell yea I was just abot to say that right when i saw "In the begining when steve vai"