I just watched The Faculty (1998). It is purified "holy crap, S/HE

[Slurpee]

Robert Rodriguez, of Planet Terror, From Dusk till Dawn, and Deperado directs a screenplay by Kevin Williamson of Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer fame.

It stars, get this, Elijah fucking Wood of Lord of the Rings, Sin City, and Everything is Illuminated, Robert Patrick aka the T-1000 from Terminator 2, X-Files, and I think he was in Balls of Fury, Josh Hartnett of Lucky Number Slevin, 30 Days of Night, and Sin City again, Salma Hayek of, uhhh.... Dogma, John fucking Stewart of The Daily Show[sigpic] and the green lantern corp of Oa[/sigpic], Piper Laurie of Twin Peaks and Carrie, and that chick who played Jean Grey in the X-men movies.

But the reason I bring it up is this:
Part of the way through the movie, John Stewart's character gets fucked up.

He's been taken over by evil aliens, but really is just minding his business. He enters his biology classroom

only to find some meddling kids discussing an alien invasion. The very same one he's helping conduct!

He goes into robot mode

sets up Frodo for the chokeslam

and throws Mia from The Fast & The Furious casually aside.

Slevin will have none of this. He pulls some Hanzo steel off of the paper cutter

steps up to the plate

And cuts dat alien bastard's fingers right off! That's for destroying Tucker Carlson's career!

John uses his good hand to deliver another punishing chokeslam to Josh Hartnett

and reveal that cutting his fingers off was actually just a good way to get raped by freaky alien tendrils.

Josh Hartnett practices his eyestabbing while John Stewart vomits out a pregnant snake wrapped in a condom.

John draws on the powers of 20 thousand hulkamaniacs to turn the tide of the battle

and throw that eyestabbing punk through a fish thank.

and then he dies


The students, having successfully murdered their Biology teacher with a paper cutter and a pen full of drugs, flee the room.

Upon studying the thing John Steward vomitted out and asking the fake lesbian character about the plot to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, they figure that if they can find the queen and kill it, the other aliens will die out.

At the end of the film, the only people who actually died were some old lady, John Stewart, the principal, and the queen.
A reporter is on the scene, discussing the missing faculty members, and saying there was no proof of the alien invasion. The parasites, apparently, vanished. Even the massive one that Elijah Wood smushed behind the bleachers.

All the surviving characters apparently hook up with each other. The credits begin to roll, and, Scream-style, we get to see the names of the actors over scenes from the movie of the characters they played.

But... what the hell is this?

John wasn't wearing an eyepatch at any point in the movie. Why...?



OH LAWD

[Slurpee]

Also, John Stewart's character is named Edward Furlong, which also happens to be the name of the actor who played John Conner opposite Robert Patrick's T-1000 in Terminator 2. Elijah Wood's character is named Casey Connor, and Robert Patrick directly addresses his mother as "Mrs. Connor." Might not have been intentional, but I laughed.

[PirateClock]

SHE'S CALLED FAMKE JANSSEN YOU DICK!

[Slurpee]

That's a weird name. I'm not typing it.

[PirateClock]

racist

[Slurpee]

I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch

[AvocadoClock]

It stars, get this,
But the reason I bring it up is this:
Part of the way through the movie, John Stewart's character gets fucked up.

You discovered a nice gem for yourself.
I saw it in theatres.



Also, Salma Hayeck was of From Dusk Till Dawn. One of her best roles, in my opinion.

[ToiletRollClock]

John wasn't wearing an eyepatch at any point in the movie. Why...?

So let me get this straight. You analyse the scene in which Jon Stewart has his fingers on his right hand slashed off and his left eye stabbed and then you can't figure out why he has an eye patch at the end of the movie, when he also has bandages on his right hand?

I'm surprised you managed to sign in.

Also, a lot of those actors in it weren't stars when that film came out.

racist

.


(User was banned for this post; Reason: )

[Slurpee]

So let me get this straight. You analyse the scene in which Jon Stewart has his fingers on his right hand slashed off and his left eye stabbed and then you can't figure out why he has an eye patch at the end of the movie, when he also has bandages on his right hand?

I'm surprised you managed to sign in.

Also, a lot of those actors in it weren't stars when that film came out.



.

Nigga fuck you.

[Slurpee]

Fake ass gangsta.

[Slurpee]

For the record it was a set-up. If you'd read the preceding paragraph and had half a brain in your fucking head you'd have realized that. His character ostensibly dies in the movie, and the ending credits sequence consisted entirely of scenes from the movie save for the one where he appears with the bandage and eyepatch. It was a joke, one that caught me by surprise, and one that I saw fit to share with my friends in the Clock Crew by the method you saw fit to criticize. And it's plainly obvious that those people were not stars when the movie premiered (even though Piper Laurie, Robert Patrick, Elijah Wood, Robert Rodriguez, and Kevin Williamson were) but that's so completely and utterly beside the point that I didn't even bother to mention it once in my initial post.

I think it is plain to see who the stupid motherfucker here is. The one who completely misunderstood the smart motherfucker and cajoled him in spite of the fact that he helps run the fucking site.

"It's you!!"
-The Captain, Zero Wing.

Now I don't even want to look at this thread. It reminds me of how you failed me once again, Clock Crew.