Asinine technical exchanges you've had

[Solenoidclock]

My most recent one was with my friend Zach L, whom I always thought knew enough about maintaining computers to keep out of trouble.

Zack: asjdifhaerjkvnh;vsioerg!.1>!..1!!! You hav to come over here, everything about my computer is unstable, I checked with all the antiviruses but they keep breaking and sometimes I can't close things and everytime i crash or reboot the virus keeps clonening it self into my proceses!

Me: Shit, give me ten minutes to get ready.

ten minutes later..

Zack: (running up to my car window) Okay, I have no idea how I got it since I always run my browsers sandboxed and scan torrents.. blah blah.. but I went Ctrl-Alt-Del to kill a browser window and there it was, the Svchost virus! I don't know how long it's been running dormant, but I think I pissed it off when I tried to kill it because it kept resurrecting itself! Now everytime I try to remove it the computer crashes!

In response, I stood on my accelerator.

[AlbinoClock]

haha

The ring knuckle on my right hand is roughly a centimeter further back on my hand than it should be. This is because in my sophomore year in high school my networking teacher insisted that a kilobyte was larger than a megabyte. I wouldn't let it go, she wouldn't admit that she was wrong, and I got kicked out of class. Somehow a fire door managed to break my knuckle on the way to the office.

[FLOUNDERMAN_CLOCK]

Mom "Trevor pause the computer and come over here"
Me "the computer is not a video game"
Mom "yes it is"

And then there's explaining to her how to right click, use email, or take a picture on a digital camera. Among other things.

[screwdriver_clock]

"Hey Matt come over here the computer is broken"
"What seems to be the problem?"
"The mouse and keyboard doesnt work and when i turn the screen on nothing happens"
"Thats because the power on the computer is off."
"...oh so thats what that button is for"
"Yes mum, thats what that button is for."

[Sombra]

My parents actually taught me most of what I know about computers, mostly hardware shit but it's my grandma that's the problem.

About two years ago some asshole sold a probably 10-15 year old PC to her for fucking $400. This computer had an eight GB hard drive, 16 megs of RAM and ran Windows 95. Who does that shit to an old lady? I told her if I ever find him he's going to get his shit fucked up.

[FluxCapacitorClock]

friend: "did you just delete the internet?"
me: "........ yeah i took the fucker down"

[Solenoidclock]

I was trying to get a job at best buy a long time back, they put me up for a while as non-commission sales in the printer/laptop dept. A guy comes up to me, says a few things about this new Digicam he bought that makes me think he knows his stuff. Then he says that USB 2.0 was too slow for him, so he was looking to buy an IEEE1394 cable. This is a reference to the firewire standard and perfectly acceptable, except for the way he said it:

AIAEUAUEUEAGH!! thirteen ninety-FWOAR

I doubled over laughing, I just couldn't stop. He tried to get me fired after he stood there for about thirty seconds of my hysterics, but I ended up quitting to save my resume. I still laugh about it.

[Sombra]

Then he says that USB 2.0 was too slow for him, so he was looking to buy an IEEE1394 cable.

Why the fuck would you need anything faster than USB 2.0? Doesn't that have rates of like 50 megabytes per second? What the hell was he doing with his camera?

[FluxCapacitorClock]

Why the fuck would you need anything faster than USB 2.0? Doesn't that have rates of like 50 megabytes per second? What the hell was he doing with his camera?

1500 gigs of child porn and the cops were in the driveway.

[Heliopios]

1500 gigs of child porn and the cops were in the driveway.

Fistful of magnets

[AlbinoClock]

Um, remove drive from camera? Bury? Dig up later?

This camera man is clearly an idiot and you were right to laugh in his face.

[Blue]

       Hey, I just checked the site you made for me, and it's down.

       Well, I just browsed to it on a computer that has never been to it before. It's up.

       Well, it's not coming up.

       Are you connected to the internet?

       Yes, everything comes up, except the site I paid you for! (getting angry now)

       What address are you typing?

       xxxx.com same as before, but it doesn't come up! And neither does google.

       Are you typing the address in the address bar, or the google search box?

     

[Sombra]

Fistful of magnets

Power drill.

[buttplug]

my networking teacher insisted that a kilobyte was larger than a megabyte.

How the fuck do people like this get employed? I have a professor at my college that teaches Computer Information Systems classes (given it is community college, but still), and I am pretty sure I know more than him, and I am not even incredibly tech savvy. His class is a waste of my time but I still have to attend. It is also disturbing how dumb some of the people going into this field are. I know a kid from Texas that has a job lined up already, but he is a complete dickshit. I mean, in our college writing class, I had to EXPLAIN what "disassemble" meant to him. Also, I everyone tries to get me to write their fucking programs in Programming in Visual Basic. I'm sorry, but if you take 3 lab periods and still don't have a hello world program, you should probably find another major.

Jesus I wish I could pour out shit like that for my writing class.

[KallistiClock]

one of my friends changed the theme on his computer in my engineering class last year.

stupid black kids: "how did you do that?!"
"I hacked the interwebs"
stupid black kids: "cool!! can you teach us to hack the interwebs also??"

while I just sat there laughing

then there was the time I tried to convince my web design teacher that the three most commonly used image formats are not "jpeg, jiff, and wmf", which she thought they were, and the time I had to explain in great detail to some idiot who ran the after-school thing I go to that 10 - 3 is 7, not 8.

[Loki Clock]

Why the fuck would you need anything faster than USB 2.0? Doesn't that have rates of like 50 megabytes per second? What the hell was he doing with his camera?

At high speed. Not all USB 2.0 devices utilize that by default, while firewire pretty much always transfers at fast speeds.