gary brolsma tank n spank

[BinaryClock]

Stone Jelly Solid
Picnic Espionage Action

[FLOUNDERMAN_CLOCK]

oh wow I managed to get back into my neopets account. neat.

[RobClock]

if yoyos are virtual yogis better up their game

[zl]

I wish I believed in a hell for the people who ate the future

album title

.[u2]0UATx2ILCys[/u2]

song title

[PhantomCatClock]

i've had that pierre song stuck in my head all week but i don't actually know it so at a certain point it breaks down to A Few Of My Favorite Things

[RobClock]

i went digging in homogang history trying to find something and came across this

tfa was awesome, idiot

i am interested to know if you stand by this sentiment, slurp

[FLOUNDERMAN_CLOCK]

I liked prometheus and little nicky

[PhantomCatClock]

you're just a trans-poseur if you don't get another rib added

[PhantomCatClock]

you wake up in a hospital bed and the doctor says you've been in a coma for a couple of minutes and in retrospect he may have overreacted

[Slurpee]

tfa was awesome, idiot

i am interested to know if you stand by this sentiment, slurp

I haven't watched it since it came out
and I haven't watched episode 9, and I understand popular consensus turned against tfa partially on the basis that it didn't give the sequels room to expand

but yes, I still think it was awesome

I'm not one of those people who can watch dark knight rises and have a great time watching an enjoyable movie, and then two weeks later decide I actually always hated it to impress the internet. unless I'm given really compelling reason to reassess a movie, and then actually reassess it, I go by the experience I actually had while watching it, and tfa was a delight

with the benefit of hindsight,
- the scene with the monsters eating the russian mafia was stupid and served no purpose,
- it's dumb that han, leia, and the bad guys are all doing the exact same shit they were doing 30 years ago
- the fact that the new protagonists happened to steal the millenium falcon is one coincidence too many. it's sloppy screenwriting, that's something that should have been fixed in the second draft. you get ONE COINCIDENCE. (unless you're the coen brothers or david lynch, because their coincidences are usually more inconvenient than anything)
- the new death star was dumb throwaway bullshit. the ending should have been completely reworked to center around the map, because that was the entire driving force of the plot. the empire and the good guys should have both figured it out around the same time, luke should have been under some kind of stasis or something (or, fuck it, replace luke with a different macguffin so luke could actually be in the movie), the bad guys should have been trying to take him out, the good guys should have been trying to save him, it all comes to a head where the good guys make it out by the skin of their teeth and the bad guys are left shaking their fists
- also there was too much j.j. abrams mystery box bullshit. there aren't mysteries in star wars. who are rey's parents? who gives a shit? tell us or don't. there was never a mystery about what darth vader's relationship was to luke, they just didn't tell us until it was important. what's the secret of rey's visions? no one cares. fuck off. this isn't Lost. you don't need a sequel hook, it's the fucking new star wars movie, people are going to want to see what comes next because what comes next is a new star wars movie, abrams, you fucking lunatic

but as far as my problems with it go, that's about it.
episode 7 was a good time to play it safe. they took calculated risks, they got a great cast, they set up some new shit that put some interesting pieces into some interesting places. whether they landed the follow-through is another discussion. tfa was a great start.

walk with me
opening crawl: luke skywalker is missing! perf. old pulpy adventure serial shit. I'm in. are you not in? I'm fucking *IN*.
we open on a planet that looks like M*A*S*H for some reason. skinny dude in a creepy darth vader 2 suit uses the force to freeze a fucking laser beam in midair. awesome. he steals a partial map to luke skywalker's location from max von fucking sydow, god rest him. (a lot of people like to bitch about where the map came from; these people are the reason revenge of the sith ended with every single character in (sometimes literally) the exact same place we'd next see them 17 years later. they have no imagination or joy in their lives, and you should not trust them with sharp objects.)
move to a lone figure, clad in white, eking out a meager existence in a barren desert. you're expecting a young luke analogue, and you're right, but with a few important distinctions. she doesn't have a support system, so she has a much more hardy, scrappy way of conducting herself, and she doesn't dream of running away. it's not just refusing the call, she has no inclination to escape because the only thing she cares about is there: the possibility of her parents coming back. there's a lot you can do with that, and they do do a lot, and they leave room for more.
move to john boyega, a shellshocked stormtrooper who turns coat- interesting, new shade of morality-escaping with a prisoner whom he frees, a smarmy, cocksure han solo analogue that is also QUITE CLEARLY his future boyfriend. they escape with the other part of the map that darth vader 2 just killed all those dudes for. the stakes are established: there's a dark side force user who can do amazing shit we have never seen before, our heroes have the macguffin, he wants the macguffin.
they crash on the planet where desert lady is (there's the one allotted coincidence), pilot presumably dies, stormtrooper and lady escape the planet because the empire tears shit up trying to get the Thing and they have the Thing. and they bump into- han solo! applause sign switches on. harrison ford looks like he's actually interested in being in the movie he's in for the first time in like 20 years because he finally talked the filmmakers into killing him off. han doesn't know what's up exactly, but he knows this lady named "cgi lupita nyong'o with butthole eyes", so they go to her for information, leia's there, we find a bit about nudarth vader, he's their kid, whatever, the empire attacks, and rey, due to the reluctance established in her character to engage in this stupid adventure bullshit, gets captured. she didn't take the lightsaber. we're at a low point. also... they... have a third death star. yeah. good. ok.
new darth vader tries to interrogate rey with the force, which we've seen him do and... he can't. she has natural abilities and resists him- again, something we haven't really seen before. young anakin had unusually fast reflexes, but that was about it. it's almost as if, with luke missing, and no light side force users to oppose his turned student, the force itself reached out and tapped somebody. ah. the force awakened. again, that's something new. it implies the force itself has a sense of agency, or at least that there's a natural order that asserts itself, like when a slayer wakes up in buffy.  it's new, but it makes sense, it works with what came before it, it feels mythological the way such things should
also? new darth vader turns out to be a weird little fanboy bitch. he's skilled, we've seen that, but it's theater. the mask is a put-on. he dresses in black because he wants to create this perception of himself. he's chuuni. he's a juggalo. he's baron corbin. his lightsaber is a reflection of who he is- the little hilt thing looks cool but really he just made it wrong. it's a piece of crap! he's not the person that he wants himself to be, and his insecurities and frustrations about it make him legitimately dangerous. it expands the character without reducing the threat
so, the pilot turns out to be alive and (I'M NOT SORRY ABOUT THIS:) he sees john boyega, brightens up like the fucking fourth of july, runs over and excitedly gives him a hug, then gives him his jacket and tells him he looks good in it. this is the only time this character reacts this way to anybody. also earlier in the movie he removed his dehumanizing codename and gave him a name, which boyega's character accepted immediately. these two had phenomenal natural onscreen chemistry, possibly the best in the series, and I do not say that lightly, and the actors were brave enough not to shy away from it or chicken out with a "no homo". they were a fucking delight.
anyway, how does it all wrap up? everybody gets their arc.
new darth vader, in his frustrations and insecurities, gets this beautiful sequence of doubletalk where he talks about his internal struggle and needing help, something only han can provide. han tries to reach him and redeem him as luke did vader, and this little bitch, this insecure fucking manbaby dipshit, trying to prove to himself that he can be as cool as somebody who was absolutely not worth admiring and who himself didn't even live up to his reputation in the end, this fucking brat, sucker-stabs our hero, his father. it takes this edict from harrison ford to kill his character off, and uses it to make the villain well and truly despicable, not just because of what he did, but the pathetic, loathsome reasons that he did it for. you did it, you garbage boy. you're the bad guy. congratulations. eeeeeeverything you've ever-
rey? classic "want" vs "need". rey was waiting around for her parents to come back. she wanted them to come back because she wanted them to care about her, what she needed was for her life to have meaning, to be someone to somebody. she wanted it so bad that she was turning away from the meaning that actually came to her. after seeing the decoy protagonist get his ass handed to him by the odious fuckboy who murdered her cool new dadfriend who actually liked her, rey accepts her destiny. she picks up the fucking lightsaber.
and john boyega, shellshocked from the violence, got to fight for the right side, making his stand against the totalitarian regime he left, and retiring peacefully with the cute pilot that he met, after they saved each other and showed each other things that they didn't know they were missing, and, french kissed off-screen. also I lied, oscar isaac's character didn't get an arc. but 2 1/2 is more than most movies manage. in the first movie, leia watched everyone she ever knew die with her entire home planet and the only character trait she gained was "more sarcastic?"
also there was this big hologram guy with a fucked up headd. that was cool. people saw that guy as more jj mystery box bullshit, but I don't think it was until they made it that way because who cares who he is? did we know who this guy was?

why does anybody give a shit? why does he need a backstory? why are people's movie-watching priorities so fucked up?
who's this guy? "lao che?"

they wouldn't just give indiana jones a new bad guy with no explanation and let him get away, right? he must be belloc's brother-in-law, because I'm a stupid fucking internet person and I won't be satisfied until everything in the world is as dumb as I am

but that's all just me saying why I thought it worked as a standalone movie
I've seen the arguments that the sequel trilogy was fucked from the beginning because abrams didn't build a good foundation, he just made the movie he needed to make to redeem the series' reputation,
and that's bullshit. a new hope is a bad set-up for a trilogy. luke completed his hero's journey! his mentor died! he rescued the princess! they destroyed the death star! he's the master of two worlds! how the FUCK do you make a sequel to that? well, by expanding the mythology. obi-wan's voice echoing in luke's head? that was real. he's a ghost. there are ghosts in star wars now. han and leia? that wasn't just bickering, they get a romance subplot. and luke's training? oh hohoho, luke's training. luke learned to aim good. the force is so much more than faith and instinct. no, there's a whole other jedi master out there, and he is going to absolutely clown on luke, because luke didn't complete his hero's journey, luke is a farmboy that aims good. he needs to become the person that understands it's not enough to be able to slay your enemies. that was a new idea. that was not planned during the 1977 expected box office disaster "star wars", that was something they came up with when making the best sequel that they could make. (I don't give a fuck what george lucas says, he's a liar, he's a fucking habitual liar, everybody stop enabling him.) that's what you can do with a movie that wasn't intended to have sequels. in contrast, tfa knew what had to follow it, and it left room
if your mind wasn't exploding with possibility about where the story could go, then we just have fundamentally different minds as storytellers, because I'm still, as I'm typing this, even knowing what they actually did with the sequels, barely stopping myself from writing fanfiction. all I can see are the trees you could plant in this soil. we know the characters now, the pieces are established, the public is onboard. you've got star trek the motion picture out of the way, it's time for your wrath of khan. what have you got? YOU CAN PLAY ANY CARDS YOU WANT! all you need is a plausible handling of luke's disappearance, that's it! you have a better cast than you possibly could have hoped for, and guess what, you've got a new angle: solving the problem in return of the jedi didn't solve the problem. it all happened all over again! you can't just solve it again, because there won't be anything to convince the audience that anything really changed. as it was when they made empire strikes back, you have the opportunity to look at a bigger picture. you get to pull the scope back and decide what it all really means now. what is the cause of this endless cycle of good battling evil? can we fix it? should we fix it? is it just a fundamental part of being? is that why the force awakened? what does it mean for our protagonists who are wrapped up in it? what is the bigger journey they can take? it's so rich! you could brainstorm ideas for hour

just make sure you don't send the only characters with romantic chemistry to different fucking planets for the entire movie.
I'm not doing a bit btw, finn and poe were fucking gay for each other. it wasn't on purpose, it wasn't written that way, that's just how it played out. like, the jacket thing? poe was supposed to die. they reworked it because the character was too likable, but they'd already shot the ending sequence with finn wearing his jacket. so, band-aid, he tells finn to keep wearing his jacket. but that's a reality of filmmaking, not a reality of the text. at the end of the day, all people saw was this weirdly affectionate gesture in the context of the natural chemistry between the actors. it's a whoopsy-daisy, it happens
and, this and bubblegum/marceline aside, I'm not a "shipper." I don't process things through that lens. I don't even ship enjolras and grantaire, because, as cliche as it is to say, I think they their connection was more meaningful, and when dave and karkat got together in homestuck, I thought it was fucking stupid because there was nothing between those characters. I just call them like I see them
and, most of the shit in this post could fall by the wayside, like I said I only saw the movie once, but I will fucking fight anybody on this one, because I always get pushback on it and I have no idea why because oscar isaac and john boyega confirmed out loud in words that they saw it too and isaac even said it seemed like the natural progression, and he looked aggravated as shit, because in the same breath he had to explain that it wasn't going to happen while also not being able to say why it wasn't going to happen. but even if you don't see them as a couple, it's undeniable that disney did not roll with the chemistry that emerged between the characters in the first movie. they worked against it. people noticed it, asked if it was intentional, it wasn't, disney panicked, kept the characters separated, and then played a fucking representation shellgame by tossing in some disposable background lesbians so they could no-homo poe at the last minute and still spin it as an inclusivity win, because they're corporate scum, and the movies were poorer for it

and that's- I say this as someone who, I'm not a last jedi hater, I don't get what the big fucking deal was, star wars has been bad for longer than I've been alive, it's like at most the 8th worst star wars movie if you count clone wars and the ewok movies, great big hairy stinking deal you bunch of keening fucking pheasants. I pretty much kept my trap shut because everybody was way madder than they should have been but fuck it we're 3 years on and I'm getting the star wars talk out of my system
I thought it was interesting, I appreciated its lack of reverence, but thought it lacked the courage of its convictions. it did exactly what it should have with rey's parentage. I thought it had a good idea with addressing the jedi and sith as being systemic institutions that may themselves have been the problem, but I thought it didn't do enough with it. the scale of the conflict felt small, and the counter-narrative it presented was muddled, because it aimed to be politically resonant, and that hurt its ability to be thematically resonant, and I don't mean the mean purple haired lady being mean to poe because I'm not a goddamn 15 year old and that's not what "political" means, I mean the centrist apologia that nobody talks about. it's a movie about legends turning out not to be what you thought they were, about your heroes being corrupt disappointments, and asserts that you should stick with them anyway, but it fails to provide any lucid reason why. where captain america would stand up and say "america is not this flag, america is its values, and without those values, this flag is nothing", the last jedi goes "america is not this flag, america is its values, and without those values, just salute the flag anyway, please". and I don't care whether I agree with those politics, I'm concerned with whether the movie succeeds at conveying what it intends to convey; I felt it fell short of the mark because there wasn't sufficient narrative justification for the turn. but apparently nobody else on the fucking planet had this problem with it, apparently I'm the only one left who gives a shit about things meaning things. you either like the movie because you're a stupid shill or you hate the movie because you're a racist misogynist, because that's what the level of discourse in our society has fucking come to
no that's not fair, I'm mad about that problem in general and I'm taking it out on star wars in specific. but it's true that I have yet to see a really compelling take on the film after years of takes on the film. I've seen people argue that the movie has no themes, which, I don't even know how you can even argue that unless you don't know what a theme is, and I've seen it argued that it was too on the nose because rose petted the horsey and I would love to hear anybody who thinks that explain what the too-obvious, too-explicit meaning was behind torching the sacred texts and how that reconciles with then revealing that actually she saved them? because the only thing I can think is "ahh... gotcha! hehe." like, what? it's so weird! luke was so hurt by the fact that he was caught up his own legend when he made his biggest mistake that he tried to shut down the entire institution of the jedi, but then the books get torched, and yoda's like, dude, it's fine, actually, just let it go, and... THAT somehow enables him to... be the legend that the institution of the jedi made him out to be, even though that's the opposite of the entire premise, for no reason? then they double back again by revealing the texts actually survived and rey saying luke "will not be the last jedi"? it clearly lands on the side of not abandoning the traditions, but why? nothing changed! it's not that it's not there, it's that it fails to make a case for it. how am I the only one that sees this?

but anyway so yeah finn and poe should have kissed
that was your question, right?

[RobClock]

Ok I still think it sucked though

[Slurpee]

k.

also, sorry I called you an idiot lol

[NintendrCkolc]

TFA was enjoyable for what it was.

TLJ did some cool stuff and I actually like what they did with Luke. Rey + Kylo's interactions are the highlight. The casino planet (canto byte?) and the hour long chase/fuel shortage stuff are the weakest parts of the movie.

TRoS was ok for what it was but fell flat due to a weaker second chapter and too much fan service.

[Slurpee]

should finn and poe have kissed thouhg
🔘 yes
⚪ no

[Slurpee]

TFA was enjoyable for what it was.

TLJ did some cool stuff and I actually like what they did with Luke. Rey + Kylo's interactions are the highlight. The casino planet (canto byte?) and the hour long chase/fuel shortage stuff are the weakest parts of the movie.

TRoS was ok for what it was but fell flat due to a weaker second chapter and too much fan service.

I like how you and I used to fight about everything and somehow the thing that made the internet maddest over the last few years we're both like :shrgu:

[RobClock]

k.

also, sorry I called you an idiot lol

That's alright I'm sure i deserved it for something

[FLOUNDERMAN_CLOCK]

I would criticize it for going out it's way to destroy a beloved cultural phenomenon and series of movies but that's exactly the sort of shit I would do if given ANY power in hollywood. I would just fuck shit UP and make a bunch of bullshit claims about how intellectual it was and generally go out of my way to burn hollywood to the ground all with a massive shithead grin on my face as the flames rise in the background.

but then again, I would do it for the sake of instigating chaos and entertaining myself when the people responsible for nuwars did it because they legitimately thought it was the correct way to go about things because they all got massive strokes from overdosing on huffing their own farts. like nearly all modern reboots of anything. but I would still be huffing my own farts. mostly for the aroma more than anything. I dont have a problem it just makes me feel good!

anyways none of the new star wars are as good as super mario bros the movie and I mean that genuinely. there should have been a sequel. prometheus is good horror schlock that's sometimes not shlock. a shame how people thought half the analogue effects were cgi. i don't know what to say about little nicky I just thought it was funny and heartwarming and it had hell and demons in it. okay I said something about it.

I did not mind numetal.

steal this album is better than toxicity the latter is crazy overrated

oh god why am I awake this early

[Slurpee]

going out it's way to destroy a beloved cultural phenomenon and series of movies

see I don't understand why people say this

like, star trek, I get it, I can understand what was profaned
they took a hopeful, utopian vision of post-scarcity humanity and turned into broad, dumb action sci-fi with recognizable imagery plastered on top
that's sad. something was lost.

the prequels, I get it
they collectively took the jedi from being peaceful wise warrior monks into an incompetent and cult-like state police force. they turned darth vader from a skilled warrior who was corrupted by his thirst for power into a whiny pissbaby who got hornswoggled into being evil by the thought of his girlfriend dying. they took the force from being a mystical underlying course of nature that unifies and binds us, and flattened it into columns of video game powers that you can use in a fight and detect with a blood test

the sequels? I don't get it
what are we mourning?
I don't want to piss on the funeral, but can somebody please tell me what's in the casket

[FLOUNDERMAN_CLOCK]

I don't want to piss on the funeral, but can somebody please tell me what's in the casket

the legacy of the characters from the previous movies. they went out of their way to turn the original trio into terrible/incompetent people and undo everything achieved in the original trilogy because "lol subversion". and not even in a way that lines up with who the characters are as people. they had no idea how to get from point a to point b they just ran right to it. they went out of their way to fuck them because "kill the past" or something. it's not stupid, it's subversive! IE what happens to everything rebooted nowadays, just with different details. except chewbacca I think. did they fuck him? I don't remember. I don't think you really could.

granted that's all more in the second movie of the trilogy, the first and third are just mindless fanservice and generally bad movies because jj abarams is an unoriginal hack. the side movies are just assembly line disney products and don't really mess with anything besides some minor canon inconsistencies iirc. rian "lol subversion" johnson tried to make something new and interesting instead of just fanservice but he failed at it, so it just felt like him taking a big steamy dump on the original trilogy which if interviews with him are to be believed, he didn't seem to care much for the originals to begin with. I have a feeling the issue was that he had scenes in his head he really wanted to see on screen but had no idea how to put the pieces together cohesively and make them make sense with the preestablished characters (happens to any writer really) and he was jumping in midway through a story jj had no ending to because he writes things using the "mystery box" format without knowing whats in the god damn box. remember lost? and also managerial fuckery. I guess you could blame all of this collectively on kathleen kennedy's ignorant incompetent management of the series, and by proxy disney corporate itself because if it wasn't her or them it would be some other dumb soulless suit.

and in the end none of this matters, not star wars not star trek not dr who not whatever cartoon they're making a new version of this week or any other franchise that's been fucked, because the older entries still exist in full and are mostly complete stories. also the fuckups are entertaining from the outside so at least some of us get something out of this. weirdos like me love to see shit burn and then burn the ass of the people who unknowingly set the fire.

except the rodeo chediski fire that wasn't quite as fun to see off in the distance, being an literal fire in my homestate afterall. I think some dumbasses setting uncontrolled fires in the woods. johnson and kennedy should be laughed out of the industry but those guys should be kicked in the balls at least twice a piece by every az resident who's house got burned down. I think one of em actually got away with it too.

[PhantomCatClock]

I

hold up do we have spoiler tags maybe