dc comics flashpoint (cool comicbook thread)

[Slurpee]

so for those of you who dont know dc comics is like "were dumb bitches" and they make big crossover comics every 14 seconds because their creative direction is so unbearably awful that those're the only thing that sell anymore

besides grant morrison's batman which owns holy shit

the flash right now is the second flash because that's the one that geoff johns grew up with and geoff johns is a I'm a edgy teen baby I think I covered that in my totally awesome and not spergy at all green lantern post

there are four flashes basically
there is Jay the cool grampa flash who everybody ignores:

eheh look at him. he was here first and he's got a great hat.

boring old uncle flash Barry who is a cop:

he's in a running pose because he has super speed
that's the only thing I can say about him because he's a boring asshole

papa flash Wally
Wally used to be kid flash and spent like 20 years growing into his role and living up to barry's legacy while barry was dead from saving the universe:

except whoops he's alive again
guess you go back in the cabinet
with your pointless family you dumb idiot

young flash Bart who's the best because he was the character I read about when I was most emotionally susceptible to terrible superhero comics he's goofy and earnest and heroic and charming and nice:

note how he's a kid with brown hair, yellow eyes,
and no freckles, and doesn't want to be called kid flash.
because he's currently a kid with red hair, blue eyes
and freckles, and dresses like and calls himself kid flash.
also all those things I said about his
personality are no longer true. he's
basically a completely different character now
and he's about earnest and charming as my taint

ORIGIN STORIES:
grampa flash got superspeed from inhaling hard water particles or something. he's old so no one cares.
uncle flash was a csi and he got it from a lab accident
papa flash got it when he was a kid and uncle flash was showing him how the lab accident happened and then the lab accident happened again whoops lol
young flash was born in the year 3000. he couldn't stop being fast and so the future scientists built him a virtual reality world to live in at super speed. his grandma (barry's babymama) was not having that bullshit. so she brought him to the past where wally fixed him by punching him in the back or something.
the future Bart was from got erased but he just stuck around because he already had a fucked up origin story anyway so one of his superpowers became if there's an error in his origin no fucks shall be given.

and then geoff johns shot Bart in the knee

the second issue of a kids' comic book.
real cool stay classy DC.

and removed everything cool or fun about him. and then a bunch of D-list comic writers that've never read a single issue of impulse or young justice apparently just confused him with the kid flash from the 80's or whatever. or I guess pretended he was. I don't know which one would surprise me less. or piss me off more.
anyway I just bring this up because I'm still pissed about it.

so, since their power origins were all so disparate writer mark waiiid came up with a way to unite them, and that was that their superspeed was all tapped into a conduit called the speed force and their various accidents just brought them to the speed force's attention. it was pretty cool.

but then geoff johns fucked it up like the detestable cunt that he is and made it so the speed force was generated by boring uncle flash ~because he's so amazing~ and so really he was the first flash, because, see, grampa flash only got the speed in the first place because barry was generating it from the futureFUCK FUCK FUCK
and then boring uncle flash's Really Imaginative And Not Stupid At All evil-version-of-himself villain was put in charge of the gay minus world speed force nobody gives a fuck

so now that you're all caught up
the event comic happening right now is an age of apocalypse rip-off called flashpoint and it sucks
the stupid fuckass yellow guy I mentioned earlier

seen here running the way people totally do all the time

is going through history and making things gayer. batman is now the punisher and they couldn't think of a single other thing to do so literally every other character in the comic is embroiled in a world war between wonderwoman (?) and aquaman (???????)

so boring uncle flash wakes up in the middle of this House of M bullshit and spends two issues getting beat up by batman's dad (who is now batman because here in Opposite Land bruce was shot in crime alley instead of his dad).
batdad is like "you're a crazy idiot get out of my cave you crazy idiot *punchpunchpunc*"
but then he's like "something something my son? 0____0"
and barry's like "sure dude but first things first I gotta get my powers back. dunno why I didn't do this before I came to see you."
*LATER, AT AN ELECTRIC CHAIR*
"see I got my powers by dousing myself with chemicals while getting hit by lightning so I'm just gonna reproduce the chemicals involved, sit in this electric chair and"









=pause=




























PFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
get 0wned u fucking scrub I hope the next 6 issues are just batdad standing over your I'm a edgy teen lifeless fucking corpse STAY DEAD.


dc already announced that in september they're pulling the weakest shit in the world and hitting reset AGAIN because they already fucked everything up so badly, meaning NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS, stupid dipshit asshole comic book editors dont know their ass from their elboews

[Slurpee]

im probably not going to read the rest of flashpoint so I guess that wraps it up for this thread but I might flip through the upcoming bart sidestory in the store (writ by Sterling Gates ) and buy it if it looks like it's any good *SIGN.*

don't get into comicbooks guys they'll only break your little heart in two.

[Flounderpa]

I never got into DC, gonna wait till the fog settles and universe has been restarted and shit to start reading, there's no reason to infuriate me with chronology bullshit

also: the bullshit about returning to the old flash reminds me why I will never touch a Spiderman issue again

[Topcatyo]

I dunno how he can stand over that corpse like that, burning flesh smells awful or so I've heard

[DigitalLemonClock]

superhero comics are kind of silly

[Slurpee]

I never got into DC, gonna wait till the fog settles and universe has been restarted and shit to start reading, there's no reason to infuriate me with chronology bullshit

also: the bullshit about returning to the old flash reminds me why I will never touch a Spiderman issue again

the chronology is like the 5th most awful thing about dc right now
tbqh I'd recommend not getting into it at all
they suck

[DigitalLemonClock]

Is this supposed to be revealing the obvious to the supposedly oblivious or ironically stating the obvious as though it weren't?

the oblivious are not just a supposition

[DigitalLemonClock]

it's just weird cuz there are a lot of cool graphic novels in the world but people mostly talk about superheroes

[DigitalLemonClock]

[DigitalLemonClock]

[DigitalLemonClock]

shit sorry slurpee : (

[Slurpee]

it's just weird cuz there are a lot of cool graphic novels in the world but people mostly talk about superheroes

superhero comics are ongoing, and they're the bulk of editor-controlled funnybooks.
between the shared decades-long continuity and the industry drama it's like soap operas and videogame news at the same time

if I told you guys what I think about Bone, Maus, or Fun Home it would be a boring shitty thread

[Slurpee]

shit sorry slurpee : (

dude whatever I mostly do this to entertain myself

[DigitalLemonClock]

http://www.gummbah.nl/pages/english.php

this guy makes good comics (theyre more like one panel gags)

they're better in dutch tho

[DigitalLemonClock]

is joe the barbarian any good

[Slurpee]

is joe the barbarian any good

haven't read it

morrison is hit and miss but the hits are pretty great and he hits more often when he's not writing superheroes so it's probably pretty good

[Slurpee]

okay yeah I decided to finally read it I'm part way through the second issue and I'm enjoying it so far

the premise is a little overly familiar but it's engaging and interesting to look at.
hopefully it'll go somewhere thematically fresh before it's out.

[Slurpee]

shit yeah wow this is right up my alley

[Slurpee]

okay I'm gonna finish issue 4, like jtb on facebook, and go to sleep.
dream about which panel's gonna be my next avatar