wrote a song, critique pls

[yinyangclock]

I wrote some words and i'm gonna put them to music. the rhythm fits nicely with the music i've written for it but i'm not sure if it sort of makes sense or if the words work. any sort of crit would be nice for it to help it flow in some way. i'm trying to write in the style of Aaron Weiss' lyrics.

you were the raven, i was a dove
and together we built this house
yet you couldn't taste my love
for all the lies in your mouth
you persisted, i didn't mind that you
were undeserving of trust
i was young, naive and blind;
my vision obscured by lust

i left for a thousand years,
today i return, humble and meek
you said "my dear, all that you were to me
was the flavour of the week
but now it's different, i'm oh so different.
and now you're every thing i want"
you're far too late, my darling- it's dead;
i'm dead, so cast your stone and move on

[PirateClock]

Doves can't live a thousand years.

read a book, jeezz

[yinyangclock]

shut down

[LeekClock]

"for" in that sense works ok in poetry but I can't imagine it sounding anything but stuf fy or awkward in music. Does it work?

Otherwise i'd sub that syllable for some other word or sound, since it's not vital anyway

[yinyangclock]

"for" in that sense works ok in poetry but I can't imagine it sounding anything but stuf fy or awkward in music. Does it work?

Otherwise i'd sub that syllable for some other word or sound, since it's not vital anyway

Noted + amended, i see what you mean. removed it entirely and it still works, i kind of like the idea of not having unnessecary stuff in it. left the other 'for' in cause it's used in a different tense i guess.

[Kombucha]

you were the raven, i was the dove

[coinclock]

I Liked it,
 
you get 5 and a mini B