gary brolsma tank n spank

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okay get off vent or I'll have you bent

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hey do global pandemics make people hornier than usual?
asking for a friend

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lot of babies going to be born in that shitty late december window where you only get one present and have to share your birthday party with jesus

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it's probably a bad idea to open grindr during the plague right? I probably shouldn't do that
yeah I won't do that

however,

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hey real talk though can you guys sign this petition?
https://www.change.org/p/disney-lucasfilm-acknowledge-that-yoda-is-a-goblin

pass it around, too, please, it's important

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okay I'm watching the friday the 13th marathon on syfy

everybody says the kid-jason attack from the end of part 1 was a dream, and I've always thought that was stupid because it would mean he was alive the whole time and pam just didn't look very hard for him I guess? she just decided to start killing people? it makes way more sense that, between the attack in the lake and the events of part 2, he simply became huge

further evidence: it's part 2 right now and they just replayed the ENTIRE ENDING SEQUENCE of the first movie, including the part where alice ominously says "then he's still there..." and what the hell would the point be of not only having that scene but showing it twice, once in the movie where he shows up as an adult, if the implication wasn't meant to be that when pam was killed, he came back to life, attacked alice, moved into the woods, built a shack, became huge, followed alice home, killed her, went back to the woods, and lived in the shack?
holy shit alice's tea kettle looks just like ours

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like half the cast of this movie just leaves halfway through and they all survive. they just never go back to the camp lol

the production of this had to have been like son of kong levels of dysfunctional "fuck shit I don't know we're making a sequel just make a sequel aaaaaaa!!!!"

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crazy ralph gets killed in this movie and just shows up again in part 8. part 8 was its own whole ball of madness, jason just straight up starts teleporting in that one

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one of the characters that survives is the movie's annoying/funny/nerd character, ted, who's a mystical woodland elf of a man. I can't believe he doesn't speak in riddles

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ted owns, they find a discarded camp crystal lake sign and he's like "oh that's camp blood. they're on the same lake as us. let's go."
and the soon to be dead characters are like "don't you wanna check it out?"
and he's like "no. let's leave immediately."

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oh they made a quiet place sequel
I GUESS I'LL JUST HOP ON DOWN TO THE MOVIE THEATER LOL

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what was I saying about part 8?

oh

so in part 1, pam is like "he should have been watched every minute! he was-" hesitates... "he wasn't a very good swimmer..."
then when we see her flashing back to him drowning, he's got an unusually big, bald head and messed up teeth, so it's like, oh ok, he was special needs, right? that's why she had that moment of not saying what was wrong with him. it kinda makes it even sadder

but then in part 8, they show jason as a kid and he's just a normal looking kid, with the implication that he only got all messed-up-looking from years of being at the bottom of the lake, which agrees with my "end of part one wasn't a dream" theory, but completely flies in the face of what he actually looks like in part one!!

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I'm only watching this because jay bauman retweeted syfy saying they were doing a gimmick where they'd pretend to be a local public access channel from the crystal lake area, and they are and it's neat but BOY are they ever half-assing it. they do it for like 5 seconds, then it's just regular syfy channel bullshit for 12 minutes. I mean I wasn't expecting the WNUP halloween special, but yeesh

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okay see this stupid fucking campfire scene, this is like the whole basis of the theory that jason didn't drown, and the whole thing is just something the guidance counselor is making up to set up a jump scare! they use it in future movies to show what happened, but only because it's the only thing a character says that sets up an adult jason, not because there's any evidence of it actually happening

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weird connection between this movie and the first one: random character amusing themselves by doing an impression of an old hollywood actor I've never heard of. is this something teens just did in the 70's?

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the signature ch ch ch ah ah ah noise famously came from manipulating sounds from the phrase "kill her, mommy", which pam repeats to herself in the first movie, the implication being that it's jason's voice in her head compelling her to kill
so why does jason have it? he just immediately also has it. is jason a mommy?

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this girl is CARRYING A CHAINSAW WHILE JASON STALKS HER and she just puts it away and we NEVER SEE THAT CHAINSAW AGAIN
what the FUCK

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this lake scene just reminded me of the burning

in the burning jason alexander plays the funny cool teen, which.... ok. and nobody dies for like 50 minutes, then the killer just pops out and slits the throats of 80% of the cast with one slicing motion, it's the most confusing take on a slasher movie I've ever seen

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this camp counselor is really snarking the sheriff. I've seen this movie like 9 times and I have no memory of this because nothing comes of it because this movie is a completely unstructured mess. this is how we find out about jason's cute little shack. jason KILLS A COP. HE MURDERS HIM WITH THE WRONG END OF A HAMMER. HIS SQUAD CAR IS LEFT ABANDONED ON A PUBLIC ROAD.
THERE WOULD BE A STATEWIDE MANHUNT.
THOSE WOODS WOULD BE RAZED TO THE FUCKING GROUND.
COPS WOULD BE RIDDLING RANDOM CARS WITH BULLETS.

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jason has a little bathroom in his shitty woods shack and it has a privacy curtain even though he lives alone in a shack in the woods that he built himself and that is just cute as a box of kittens