goopadoop.doc

[Slurpee]

setting/point of view creative writing homework I did last month.

250-500 word setting sketch using point of view to illustrate mood and meaning.
   
   As she pulled up to the house and eased into the driveway, the race of thoughts and emotions that never quite formed into words as they barreled through her consciousness had already begun to fade, making way for quieter, simple reflections.  Turning the car off and exiting it in routine, she began to walk the narrow path to the house, before slowing down, and then, not entirely aware of why she was doing it, she stopped to consider the house.

   The rundown old thing had served them amiably in the time since they’d moved in, but for the first time in a long time she found herself giving it a second thought. The lawn had grown out of control, and the dimly green juniper bushes still had an unkempt yellow-brown hole from when Sam had backed the pick-up into them the previous autumn. The roof shingles would need replacing soon, and the paint had begun to chip and peel in the corners, revealing a well-aged rust-colored paintjob from some long-forgotten previous owner. She cursed Sam, and then herself, for not keeping up in the yard work. For not hiring a roofer, or a painter, and for not planting flowers and getting rid of the prickly, foul-smelling bushes. Were they ready? Was this home?

   Breaking from her thoughts, she shook her head and made her way up to the front door. She leaned on the wall to work her house key out of her tangled mess of a key ring. She unlocked the door, but not before fumbling a few times trying to get control of the desired key. She opened the door, and stepped inside. As she let the screen door close behind her, she was greeted with the sight of Sam, bathed in warm, natural light, removing a tray of baked goods from the oven, the treats giving off a familiar sweet smell. It was warm inside, and he was smiling at her. As Sam put the tray down and rushed over to greet her, her mind jumped to the wall she’d braced herself on to find her key. The wall was sturdy. The wall held her up. She could have kicked herself for missing it. There was a comfort here.
   â€œSam?” she said. “I have some wonderful news.”
   There was no doubt now. They were ready. This was home.

[Slurpee]

the assignment was to describe a place (a setting sketch, 250-500 words) from the perspective of a person with particular characteristics, to reflect how point-of-view alters the impression of a setting. each student was given a point of view to work with from a pool of I guess 6 or 7 (e.g. describing the sky from the perspective of someone who murdered their girlfriend, or a family residence from the perspective of a woman who just cheated on her husband, etc.) and was told not to share it.

my prompt was:
"Describe a house from the point of view of a young woman who has just found out that she is pregnant. Do not mention anything to do with babies or motherhood or pregnancy. Create the world through her eyes without telling your reader about the situation. Avoid the trite, the cliché, and the predictable."

obviously I've got my own feelings and reflections on it (for example: I hate it), but I'm hoping Writer's Block is still active enough to get some feedback before I share my own thoughts.

[DiscoBallClock]

Content-wise, you did the assignment; The woman's thoughts were not clichéd or boring, though I did find the brief mention of insecurity a bit predictable, and the final sentences perhaps as well. But oh well.
The house's description is also good; one can presume it's a young couple in the story, living in some old shack. It serves as a bridge to the said insecure thoughts.
All in all it's nicely done. I did like how you ended it, leaving the reader wondering what the news were.  

Regarding the style, you made some big sentences in the opening paragraph, you could've broken them down a bit.
The house's description was very good, it has the right amount of detail in it; detailed enough to give a lively description of the setting, but not long and boring.

[SnakeClock]

It's interesting how the description kind of came together at the end to punctuate the idea of the story. It's like it was crescendoing.

The way she describes the house initially, she makes it sound like a burden, which is probably how she's used to thinking about it, and then as it goes on, what has happened begins to sink in, and she realizes that she thinks of her house differently with this new development. The shift is a touch sudden (particularly between the second and third paragraph), but it reads well.

[Pillz]

You did a good job about showing how appearances can be misleading, however I would not have guessed that your prompt was as such, I apologize if that came from my own density. Still, I'd like some freshly baked goods too...
 
Good job sir, you may have an avid writing career ahead of you!
Pillz

[LeekClock]

To me the explanation that she was "not entirely aware of why she was doing it" (why she was considering the house) was a bit weak, and without even knowing the brief I already thought "she's looking at the house because the writer wants to describe it". And as a reader I didn't yet have much of a reason to be interested in the details of her house. I think one needs to create the desire for information in the reader before it's laid on thickly like that.

But I suppose you were rather restricted by the brief and word limit. Or maybe it was up to me to make the connection that the house could tell us something important about her situation.

[MSPaintClock]

Read um Plainsong, he did this exact shit.

IS the lawn a metaphor for her vagina

[Slurpee]

To me the explanation that she was "not entirely aware of why she was doing it" (why she was considering the house) was a bit weak, and without even knowing the brief I already thought "she's looking at the house because the writer wants to describe it". And as a reader I didn't yet have much of a reason to be interested in the details of her house. I think one needs to create the desire for information in the reader before it's laid on thickly like that.

But I suppose you were rather restricted by the brief and word limit. Or maybe it was up to me to make the connection that the house could tell us something important about her situation.

it was my intention to imply that her reservations about hers and her husband's collective preparedness for childbirth were eating at her subconsciously, and that her uncertainties surfaced after they were given due consideration through the heavy-handed house metaphor.

and well I mean I say that like I put that much thought into it but it kind of just flowed that way

[MSPaintClock]

still had an unkempt yellow-brown hole from when Sam had backed the pick-up into them the previous autumn.

:smug: