I was bored in sci-fi class today so I got one of the Macs and wrote this up.
I imagine it's terribly formatted and written because I wrote it in the span of about ten minutes to pass the time.  One day when I feel like it I'll go back and make this an amazing short story.

DICKSUCKING JONES

   Believe it or not, Dicksucking Jones was not a nickname.  His parents, being the sadists they were, named their son Dicksucing based on his seemingly impossible conception.
   Dicksucking Jones, let’s call him Jones, had a hard life.  His parents didn’t like him, male friends were creeped out by such an odd name and female friends were off-put by it as well for other reasons.
   Thus, Jones only ever found friendship in a all-transexual elementary school.
It was California, don’t ask.
   Jones’ best friend at I’m A Guy And A Girl At The Same Time Academy was Rush Limbaugh.  Rush’s favorite band was Rush, his favorite drink was Crush, and his favorite movie was Crash, his least favorite disease was a rash, and his favorite TV show was M*A*S*H*.
   Jones and Rush were the usual delinquents at school, getting in trouble for various things like pushing over trash cans, skipping class or swapping the principal’s eye drops for pepper spray.
   Rush’s behavior can be explained simply by the fact that Rush Limbaugh is a dick, but for our pal Dicksucking Jones, this was not so.  He felt an incredible sense of alienation.  He was an outcast weirdo in his old school because of his strange first name, and he was an outcast weirdo in this school because he wasn’t a transexual.
   The day Rush Limbaugh left school to pursue a career as a radio host, Jones ran away.  He jumped on a boxcar with a hobo named Angus who was a nice guy but his hugs lasted a little too long.  After five days of traveling east Jones hopped off the boxcar into what seemed like a nice place, but it turned out to be a Mormon colony so he quickly escaped from there.  He roamed from place to place until he found an abandoned theater in New York, where he stayed and pretended to be someone else, anyone else but Dicksucking Jones who attended I’m A Guy And A Girl At The Same Time Academy and whose parents hated him.
   He changed his name to Chauncey Pounchburger, a name that he understood was still strange but was, and let’s face it, not as silly as Dicksucking Jones.
   “Chauncey” may have been able to put on a disguise from New York, but he couldn’t disguise himself from who he was.  He was Dicksucking Jones.
   When a local magazine came by the abandoned theater to do a report on it being   reestablished as a working theater, Jones knew he had to leave yet again.  However, construction came sooner than he expected, and he woke up in his dressing room to the sound of hammering, drills and saws outside.  He quickly put on the construction hat from the display of prop hats, dressed into something normal, and headed out and began to rebuild the theater with his new group of pals.
   He got to know his construction crew.  Everybody had extremely normal names.  Bob Jackson.  Jack Bobson.  Phil Michaels.  Michael Phillip.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  Once again, people took notice to the name “Chauncey Pounchburger”.  Jones didn’t show up for work the next day.
   Roaming the streets, dejected, Jones met a Burlesque dancer whose name was Anal Douche.  The two struck up casual conversation and hit it off pretty well.  Dicksucking Jones felt at ease with her and, the next day they met for lunch.
   “Hey, um... I never did get to ask your name...”
   “My... my name?”
   “Yeah.  I told you my name, what’s yours.”
   “Well, I guess we’re kind of in the same boat, so it should be alright...”
   “I don’t follow.”
   “My name... well, my name is... Dicksucking Jones.”
   Her eyes widened.  Jones cowered back an inch, worried she might think he was lying, but Anal Douche could tell from his face he was being completely honest.
   That night, they made passionate love.
   Three months later, they got married.  Keeping what bonded them together closer than anything ever had, they kept their respective names.
   Six months later, a baby who would later become the greatest man the world had ever known was born.
   His name was Dicksucking Douche.

man those parents are dicks

Heh, nice.