lmfao sharks scored again. maybe I like hockey now and henry thrun is my dude?

mother of god....

jesus christ the intermissions are long

things I learned about hockey:
games are 60 minutes (3 twenty minute periods) but they take 2 1/2 hours on average between the intermission between periods is almost as long as the periods (18 minutes) and also there's timeouts and stuff. maybe I don't like hockey actually???

every time I watch a sport everything that goes on between and around the actual sport feels like they're trying to trick you into being a superfan. tons of "mrffrfrff when [random dude's name] was with tampa, mfrfmrmfrrrrfm and what they've done is provide themselves with 'cap space' and avoiding 'defensive gaffes' in 'training camp' which is precisely what anaheim wants to do"

this is why when dads meet each other to watch a sport they all sound like experts. you watch long enough and the sports guys on tv just fill your brain with little facts and figures and stats and strategies. pretty much indistinguishable from nerd shit, honestly

idek how you have the awareness necessary to pass the puck to your teammate who's behind you. how you know he's there my man

the knights goalie is beginning to believe in himself... in spite of everything, I'm happy for him

I have no idea why there's so many people on the team. there's like 15 dudes on each team not playing. like what are the circumstances where somebody switches out? much to learn about this mysterious ga- ajajajaja sharks scored again, that was beautiful

the sharks' goalie's name sounds like "coppo cockonen". lots of good names

this guy rules

I have no idea what just happened but I think it was bad

ok I guess a sharks player called kyle burroughs was penalized for an "open ice hit" which I guess is just violently checking somebody from behind but not into the boards or anything. I am learning

I thought the sharks were doing a really good job but looking at the other games, jesus christ the canucks are getting absolutely steamrolled by the calgary flames. 7-0 o_O
maybe have an ounce of chill, flames

one of the sponsors is western digital, who I only know as the makers of external hard drives. not a very hockey product imo. very strange

I thought they just said a guys' name was "king shtupsman" which would probably take the crown for good names tonight, but it turns out it was a guy on the Kings called Stutzman, which isn't as good. Bruins' Brandon Bussi still winning, methinks

wtf did they move the camera to the other side of the arena? that scared the shit out of me. keep the teams on consistent sides of my tv! I only have a little brain

falling into the "anime girl kneeling with her knees together but her lower legs splayed out" pose is an important ability to master for goalies

thanks for reading HOCKEY UPDATES by SLURPE.

there will be NO MORE HOCKEY UPDATES, probably.

Bruins is the Boston team, which means it's the New England team. People actually give a shit about hockey here and it's all Bruins all the time. Like, real, warm looking jerseys that have to be at least a hundred dollars, everywhere







i should get the bussi one and wear it to work. could do it on fridays and i bet nobody would notice, except to talk to me about hockey








sports IN GENERAL are a thousand times cooler in person and maybe fifty times better if you go to a party specifically for it (i never say no to a Superb Owl party) because you don't actually give a shit so you get all the highs of the cheering for both teams and get none of the lows of one team having something bad happen to them, and FREE GUACAMOLE

oh and it means bear but what it actually means is the letter B with eight sticks coming out of it